So, it’s a Sunday eveningish time, Sarah’s at work at a meeting-type thing, so I came to church to organize my chord book and retype some that I’ve been meaning to retype. I did the organization, but haven’t done the retyping yet, because, well, you know, the internet and stuff. I got on one of my weird I’m-bored-I’m-gonna-search-MySpace things, and ended up on Tiny K’s boyfriend’s MySpace (Tiny K has one but hasn’t been one it since last November, and has done NOTHING with it, but Mindy has her boyfriend on as a friend) and looking at the pictures. There are two with Tiny K in ‘em. I felt, I dunno, kind of a joy at seeing her, like, “Yay, it’s Tiny K!” but also a sadness, because, well, she’s gone, and she’s living with her boyfriend who… well… let’s just say he doesn’t meet my standards for a friend’s boyfriend.
It’s… yeah. What am I gonna do? She wants to be with him. She doesn’t know God like I do. She showed an interest in learning more, and I talked to her about it, and gave her a run-down of what it’s all about, but, obviously what I said wasn’t… I dunno, enough. I don’t feel like I blew it or anything, because no matter how well you cook, a person has to be hungry to eat what you give them. It’s just… I don’t like having people not know God. Especially people I know. Especially ones I’ve spent a lot of time with. Now all I can do is pray. At least when she was in town and working with us I could keep (fruitlessly) inviting her to church, but now she’s off with Mr. F-word in Lawrence. I just pray God puts someone in her life to show her the way.
In an ideal situation “the way” would include coming back to Leavenworth and working with Mindy and I again. I know, I know, she wants to go to KU, that’s great, go ahead, but, still, I’d like our other coworker to be a competent person like Tiny K. Big K just… doesn’t cut it. She doesn’t do her job. What she does she does sloppy. She drops large piles of books on the desk with a loud thump. She puts people on hold without telling someone they need to get to them. She’s slow at everything. This is all besides the problems I have with the words that come out of her mouth. They’re not good words, they’re not about good things. And she professes to be Christian. That bothers me more than what she does on the job. Tiny K acted more like a Christian than Big K does. It’s no wonder people think we’re all hypocrits.
Anyway.
Things with Sarah are going well. Yesterday our engagement announcement was in the paper. It’s cool stuff. We’ve been spending lots of time together and radness like that. I really do look forward to being married to her and getting to have her around even more, and, well, other stuff involved in marriage. Honestly, she’s just so… oh man. Sometimes I still feel almost like I’m breaking some sort of rule by being the one to marry her. I was always the geeky kid who wore glasses and blew his nose all the time. I blush at the drop of a hat, I say things that make no sense unless you give me half an hour to explain, and I’ve never had a girlfriend before, and yet, I have an amazing, wonderful, beautiful and (dare I say) sexy girlfriend who thinks the world of me.
I haven’t been able to get my mind off of her since I was a 15-year-old with a crush, and so many times I’ve felt frustrated and hurt and hopeless and just plain stupid about the whole thing, but now… it’s all working out. How did that happen? I mean, I know it’s God, there’s no other explanation, but, still, He actually did it somehow. I went from being the super-geek to being the understanding, caring, strong, and handsome man of her dreams. That’s who she says I am to her. Me. How did that happen?
I love her so much. I have wants and needs and irrational desires for things she can do and say to show me that she loves me, to make me feel like I am who she says I am, but when it comes right down to it, I would rather do everything it takes to make her happy and feel good about herself and her situation and just shower her with every good thing than try to meet any of my desires. When she smiles because of me, I feel accomplished. When she tells me I made her feel better, I… well, that’s just it right there. When I make her feel loved, there’s no way to describe it.
I just want to spend the rest of my life being the man of her dreams. I want to give her everything she wants and needs. I want to buy a big house with a big yard where we can live and raise children, and get her that pink BMW she wants. I want to supply the money for her to be able to do everything she wants, from her gym membership and training sessions to horses and travelling the world. More than that… I just want her to be happy. I want to do everything a husband should do, everything a father should do, and everything a minister should do. I want to always say the right words, words that encourage, words that build up, not tear down. I want to speak the words that need to be said, and not leave them unsaid or to someone else to have to say when it’s my responsibility. I want to keep the words that don’t need to be spoken to myself. I don’t want to speak harshly in anger, depressingly in sadness, or foolishly in weary. I want to leave no room for doubt or hurt or lack.
I love Sarah so much.
The longer we’re together, the better I know God. The bible tells us that a husband’s relationship to his wife is a picture of Jesus’ relationship to the church. As an engaged man, I can tell you, if Jesus, the Big Cheese of planet earth, loves His bride half as much as I love mine, joy, health, wealth, and all-around success and prosperity are definitely His desire for us.
If I fulfill no other ministry in this life, I will, at the very least, do this: in my love for Sarah, I’ll be a spitting image of Jesus in His love for the church.
Bullet point summary:
- I miss Tiny K (former co-worker) and wish she would come back to us
- I love Sarah, and am extremely blessed to have her
- I want to give Sarah everything she wants
- I want to love Sarah the way Jesus loves the church